i feel like you're counting on me to be great

I feel really lost. I feel like I’m not able to do the things that used to bring me joy. And you know, things that brought me soul. One thing I’ve also been thinking about is like all my underclassmen, who wrote me these nice messages when I left school, cuz it’s like, weird going from a place, where, like, not to toot my own horn, but a lot of people knew me and respected me, and most importantly a lot of people believed in me, and believed in the things that I was capable of, and were willing to support me and all that… even if they didn’t personally do anything, I knew the sentiment was there. And I really don’t want to let any of them down. Or any of the upperclassmen who said the same thing to me when they graduated and told me that I was going to do great things. I don’t want to let any of them down.

— a quote from a close friend

I visited my college friends for the first time this weekend.

Gosh. I’m sorry I couldn’t bring back some better stories from post grad. I miss you all. So much. I miss the lifestyle I had in school. When I was in school, I really wanted to be your hero, someone that I needed when I was an underclassman. I still want to be a hero. But man. How do I tell you that I’m not living my dream right now? How do I tell you that your life can and should be better than mine when it’s your turn to graduate - and how much I want you to be fulfilled when you graduate, despite how hard that I’ve found it to be? It doesn’t have to be like this, I promise (but if it is, I’ll be there for you). How can I face you, when the greatest I’ve been and the greatest I’ve felt was when I was surrounded by you all?

I literally ran out of dreams and goals back then. If someone had shot me in the head a few months ago, I really think I would’ve been so at peace knowing that I had nothing more to want. I really found myself in my dream life not too long ago. Now, I feel like I’ve been consumed by the machine where I have to worry about having energy after work to pursue literally anything, having a community when there’s nothing to walk to, having the routine to stay fit, saving for retirement. It’s crushing to start over, when there was one point in time I woke up excited to spend my 16 waking hours with friends, cooking, studying, eating, exercising, partying together. Now it’s just me — in the suburbs, moved back in with my parents, the same ol’ neighborhood. I have more money in my bank account than I’ve ever had, but it’s just so so empty.

I feel like you’re counting on me. Maybe that’s not true, because you simply loved me for being me, back when I was around. I certainly don’t hold my upperclassmen to the same standard. On the other hand, you may not think of me that often; after all, you’re busy.

But really, the truth is, I’m counting on me. I’m counting on me to push myself. To find a rhythm. To show you that I am everything you thought I could be; to show me that I can be more than I am now. It’s taking me some time to become that confident, present, and outgoing me again that you knew. I’m getting impatient. I’d like to build something — a life — again.

Thank you so much for reading, it’s good to be back in my writing bag. Thank you to my best friend for keeping me accountable and being the inspiration to this post.

See you very soon, I hope.

Evan